Zims Doomy Diet of DOOM
by thirty2flavors
Summary: -FINISHED- Zim sees a Jenny Craig commercial, and decides that the only way to control humans is via a diet plan. First IZ fic. R/R.
1. 1888SCAM

Disclaimer: Invader Zim characters, names, etc are © Nickelodeon and the disturbingly amusing Jhonen Vasquez. 

All things considered, the day should've been normal. It started no different than it ever did; then again, was anything normal these days? No, the mere existence of one green-skinned organism prevented that, and shoved the standard of normality ever considerably higher. For this reason, abnormal days occurred more frequently then normal days – which causes one to wonder if the names perhaps should be switched. 

                Enough nonsensical blather. As aforementioned, the day started off normal…or rather, as normal as day got in that specific area. As normal, the sun rose and cast light down upon the doomed inhabitants of earth, while they went on their meaningless lives. As normal, all but one child failed to notice the odd sights and sounds emitted from a certain house. And as normal, a little android was watching TV…

"Gir? Gir, we need a plan!" Zim paused and groaned, for sure enough his little SIR was not paying the least bit of attention to what he was saying. Instead, Gir was staring straight ahead, munching on some junk food, likely including the word 'poop' in the title. 

"This is my favorite show!" Gir commented, pointing at the screen. 

"Gir, I don't –" 

"Oooh! Commercials!" Gir continued eating.   
"Why must you insist on watching this blathering, inferior human electronic?!" Zim queried, not receiving so much as a glance form Gir in response.   
"I'unno." 

Zim shook his head. He wished Gir would show his advanced-ness more frequently. 

"Gir! Desist watching that noisy…noise thing immediately!"   
Gir pouted at Zim, halting his eating momentarily.

"Aawww, just one more commercial?"

Zim groaned, shaking his head.  
"Gir, we have a planet to dominate!" 

The little robot went back to eating, making hideous noises in the process. Zim lowered his nonexistent eyebrows in an annoyed fashion when his companion failed to reply. 

"Fine. One more commercial."

At least if he said it was okay he could hold on to some levels of dignity as an invader. He took a seat beside Gir, wondering why humans found the 'noisy noise thing' so amusing. It was very basic technology, and on some channels the picture left a lot to be desired. Then again, he thought, a lot of things humans found highly advanced were old news for the Irken population. _Stupid humans_, he thought bitterly. With further thoughts on the stupidity of humans, he leapt onto the couch beside Gir, staring dully at the television.

"Hi," chimed the person on television, "I'm Sara Ferguson, Duchess of York."

Zim briefly wondered what a Duchess of York was, how much power they had, and if he could become one. 

"And I'm here to tell you about Jenny Craig's new diet, the 'Give-Me-Money-and-Get-Thin' plan! All proceeds go directly to Jenny Craig!" 

Zim lowered an eyebrow, and Gir squealed happily, obviously amused. The picture cut to a very skinny looking woman, smiling a very fake smile.

"Its so easy! By giving all my money to Jenny, I ran out of money to buy food and lost incredible amounts of weight!"

 The picture returned to that of Sara, and a phone number appeared on the screen.

"There you have it folks! Just call 1-888-S-C-A-M! That's right, 1-888-S-C-A-M!" 

There was a pause, as both Zim and Gir comprehended what they'd just seen.

"I'm gonna call!" Gir announced, leaping off the couch, ditching his popcorn, and heading to the phone. Zim stroked his chin in thought for a moment, before leaping off the couch as well.

"Not now, Gir!" The Irken said, and the malfunctioning SIR set down the phone. "We've got a plan to…erm…plan! To the lab!" He struck an arm into the air and strode off to the toilet, Gir following closely, popcorn forgotten for now  
  
_A/N: Uh…yeah. O_0 So what do you think? I don't know if I should bother continuing it, so opinions are welcome. If you think it sucks horrible and should be burned, uh… be constructive at least, please and thankyou. So REVIEW, FOOLS! Re-write? Ditch? Keep going?_


	2. Doomy Wrath

  
  
                Down within the bowels of his highly advanced and superior base, the tiny green Irken known as Zim was pacing, brow furrowed in thought. Off to the side, Gir was bouncing pointlessly, no doubt ruining some of the most advanced technology on the planet. As usual, Zim payed him no mind. The glorious thing about Irken technology was it was incredibly self sufficient, and repaired easily. Besides, his highly evolved brain was too busy toying with his highly evolved thoughts about what to do to this hardly evolved planet before the highly evolved Armada arrived.   
                One might think, of course, that after so many failures Zim would just give up entirely. But alas, this was not the ways of the Irken race, let alone ego-driven, eccentric Zim. Thousands of plans later he was no closer than he was in midst of the first plan. None of this seemed to matter to Zim, however, because with every new breakthrough he was convinced he was on the edge of world conquest.  
  
And his latest breakthrough was Jenny Craig. 

"Hmm…" Zim mused aloud, partly to Gir but mostly to himself, "these incompetent humans seem eager to resign themselves to complete domination in exchange for a decrease in mass."   
Gir stopped running in circles, hexagons, and other geometric shapes and sat on his metallic hiney, watching his master curiously. For once, he seemed to be listening. Either that, or he was replaying the last episode of the Scary Monkey Show he had stored somewhere in his memory disk. Smart gamblers would bet on the latter.   
  


"So, in theory," continued Zim, incessantly pacing, "I could create one of these 'diets', and quickly have the world in my power!" It was then he broke into characteristic maniacal cackling.   
Gir blinked, and joined the cackling, though his cackle was more like a shrill "wheeeeeoooooo" and he always sounded maniacal. Zim and his little robot were like that for a surprisingly long time, before Zim stopped abruptly and cleared his throat.  

"Er…yes," Zim began, as Gir wore himself out and sad down again, "Computer! Devise a weight-loss liquid that will brainwash consumers and make them obey Zim!"   
Zim's voice cracked oddly at the end of the sentence. He clutched his two clawlike hands together evilly, a demonic grin upon his alien features. There was a long pause, during which his computer did…well, nothing. Zim coughed. Nothing. Zim twiddled his thumbs. Nothing.   
 

"COMPUTER?"   
   
There was a pause, before: 

"Were you calling me fat?"  
  
Zim blinked. "Inferior electronic, do as I say! OBEY ME!"  
  
There was an awkward silence, before the computer demanded an apology. The painfully short Zim rolled his eyes.  

"FOOL! I am Zim! You dare evoke my doom-y wrath?!" 

"…yes."   
  
Zim's eye twitched and he groaned, slapping the side of his head. With a mumble, he said flatly. "I apologize. Now would you _please concoct the formula?"   
  
The computer would have, if the Irken engineer had found it necessary to give it such an ability, smiled.  _

"Thank you. Processing request…"  
  
 


	3. Everyone Loves a Slinky

                As Dib stepped from his house into the blaring sunlight, he raised a hand to shield his eyes. Having provoked his frightening sister inadvertently by eating the last chocolate bar, he thought it best to evacuate – quickly. He was not surprised, as he stepped onto the sidewalk, pondering what to do now, to hear a shriek of horror from within his house. No doubt, Gaz had discovered the chocolate bar. Rather, the lack thereof. 

                What to do, what to do … expose the crowd demons down on Reedy Creek Road? Get snapshots of the red, demonic apparition currently residing in that woman with the fifty cats' house? Finish tracking down the chupacabra Gaz saw in the store parking garage? Or, of course, he could do what he'd been doing every day now for little over a year, and try to expose the friendly neighborhood alien after world domination.   
                The choice was obvious. Since only one of those posed a threat to humanity, only one of those had given him something to strive for and something to loathe, and only one of those had any role in this fic, he knew exactly what to do. He didn't even need to think before he found himself en route to Zim's; he'd lived in this city all his life, and he knew the way to Zim's not quite secret base like Gaz knew the buttons on her Gameslave. 

                Quickly Dib became lost in his own thoughts, most of which were impossible schemes he never thought would work but wished would to reveal to his ignorant planet what Zim _really _was. So many nights he'd spent thinking rather sadistically about what might happen when he finally _did win. Because he would win. He had to. Humanity depended on it.  
                He was jerked back to the strange reality he lived in by quite an odd sight indeed. Zim had… a lemonade stand? Dib quirked a brow. Zim remained seemingly unaware of his presence, for he was busy twiddling his claw-like thumbs and whistling. Dib wasn't really sure why, but he figured it was part of Zim's 'clever' attempt at being a perfectly normal human worm baby. _

                "What are you up to no, Zim?" Dib questioned, shattering Zim's perpetual whistling by taking one last step into view. Zim blinked, and then narrowed his contact-covered eyes into a glare.           

"Nothing that concerns you, insolent Dib-worm," was the alien's curt reply.   
Dib raised an eyebrow, and glanced around at the lemonade stand, which apparently wasn't selling lemonade. On the table were several thin, metal tubes. Curious and suspicious, Dib swooped one up and read the label.  

 "Get Thin Now..?" He read incredulously.  Zim's glare feircened and he stood up to snatch the vial from Dib's hands.  

"Yes, Dib," he said, putting great emphasis on his nemesis' name, "you see, your pathetic species has some obsession with loosing weight. Not surprising, really, as they're all hideously large anyway."  
Dib still seemed unimpressed.        

"So you started a diet program?" 

"Yes. Yes I did."  
Dib laughed out loud, then looked around the deserted street. Zim didn't appear to be having too much business.  

"Who buys something medicinal from a lemonade stand?"   
Zim laughed, apparently amused. 

"Just wait, DIB, just wait."  
  
And wait he did. For nearly forty minutes, the two rivals sat there, glaring. Well, they glared for the first twenty. The last twenty Dib spent propped up against a fence, yawning, energy zapped by the sun. Summer heat and a black trench coat don't mix great. The only reasons he stayed at all were a) he usually jumped on an opportunity to prove his enemy stupid and b) his sister's tantrums took a while to wear off. With a  final yawn and the decision that Gaz must've worn herself out by now, and was probably venting her anger on poor, unsuspecting Mutant Cows of Death and Carnage, Dib stretched and left, but not before calling over his shoulder: 

"Told you, Zim."   
The Irken in disguise glared at Dib's retreating form.  

"IGNORANT FOOL! THEY WILL COME YET!"   
Zim then waited until Dib was out of site, before grabbing the liquids and trudging angrily back into his house.   

"Hiya Master!"   
  
Gir bounced off the couch and waved a cone-shaped arm frantically. Zim raised an eyebrow.  

"It didn't work, Gir. It would appear these stupid worm-humans need another insentive…"  
Gir was, not surprisingly, paying absolutely no attention.  

"EVERYONE LOVES A SLINKY!" Gir exclaimed, running in circles with a slinky he found Tallest-know's-where.  Zim sighed slightly, ignoring him.  

"What is it? What is something that would appeal to every miserable creature on this planet? Think, Gir, think!"   
It was at that moment Zim was hit with inspiration. More precisely, he was hit in the eye (rather painfully) by Gir's slinky. 


	4. A Gaz Flashback! Joy! Rapture!

                Gaz didn't need to pause her nonstop gaming to identify the person who had just entered her house. She knew who it was instinctively; besides, who else would it be? Her father was never home, and if he was, he was in the basement. Her mother had gone who knows' where, and the two offspring certainly never had friends show up. For one thing, Dib didn't _have _any save for that green skinned guy. Zim, was it? Yeah… and put quite frankly, Gaz just didn't like people. Not any people in particular. Just people.  She was free from prejudice; she hated everyone equally.   
                So she wasn't at all surprised to see, out of the corner of her eye, her brother's trench coat clad figure slink in the doorway. She twitched slightly, remembering why he had been out in the first place. It was rather obvious. Living with her ninety percent of his life, he'd quickly learned that you do _not mess with Gaz. Or had he? He always seemed to be messing with her anyways.  _

"You ate the last chocolate bar," she said manner-of-fact-ly, eyes still glued to her screen. In her peripheral vision she saw Dib shift uncomfortably and plunge a hand into his pocket.  

"Yes, yes I did." He replied.   
Without even looking up, Gaz managed to be quite intimidating.   

"In light of such events, you will pa—"  
Loving sister Gaz was cut off as her line of vision was broken by a foreign object sailing between her and her precious, precious gameslave. She opened one eye more and cast a glance to the side; as she had suspected, the object was a chocolate bar. Satisfied, she turned back to her game. In large, gory letters the screen read **Game Over, pitiful loser! **Gaz twitched. She was on the verge of announcing Dib's impending doom when she noticed he had already scurried upstairs. With a growl, she resigned herself to laziness and decided not to pursuit. After repeated tries to return herself to where she had been before Dib's interruption, she tired (for once) of her endless game-slaving. And so she pursued her second love in life, and turned on the television. What an opportune time she chose, too.   
  
                For on the screen at that moment was that weird kid. Didn't Gaz know him from somewhere? Oh, yeah. He was Dib's weird friend. After a moment of an odd, intimidating (but surely not surpassing Gaz at her worst) stare, Zim appeared to realize for the first time that he was on camera. He coughed, and began speaking in his incredibly annoying – to Gaz, at least – voice.  

"Greetings, human filth-beasts! Tired of wallowing in self pity over your hideously overweight, obese, disgusting, stinking selves? Yes, of course you are. Want to finally achieve bliss in your miserable, worthless lives? Well, you can't! But now, thanks to my breakthrough technology, you can come _close_! Flock to me, oh appalling ones, for I have devised an incredible formula that will help you decrease in mass and therefore be much more natural!"   
The image cut to a picture of a balloon, drawn on with black marker to slightly resemble a human. Holding up the balloon was an oddly familiar black gloved hand with slender, rather pointy fingers. A sign reading 'before' was held up to the camera. The sign flipped, and read 'after'. Another black gloved hand slipped into the picture, and popped the balloon with a pin, causing it to deflate. The camera hastily cut back to Zim, who resumed talking. 

"Yes! There you have it! PROOF! Oh, and with each purchase you will receive a free…ehh…" Zim blinked, stepped off camera, and then back again, "SLINKY! Yes! _Everyone loves a slinky!"   
Zim continued talking, probably droning on instructions as to how to get to this miracle-formula, but Gaz was already lost in her own thoughts. A slinky… Gaz closed her eyes, reminiscing. Cue: Flashback.  
  
_It was a bright, sunny, gorgeous day, like it always was in happy childhood memories. Long before Gaz's obsession with the gameslave, the then four-year-old Gaz was outside, _actually _in the _real world! _Little Gaz smiled, clutching a purple slinky in her little hands. One, two, three… collective "awwwww." Grinning happily – for once – she scurried over to the play structure stairs to try out her latest and greatest. She climbed to the top proudly, and squinted in the sunlight. She sank to her knees, and decided to try out her brand new slinky. The metallic wonder began it's descent, and Gaz was filled with joy! Oh, such joy Gaz was filled with. What could possibly be happier than a painted metal sheet twisted 'round and 'round falling down several sets of stairs? As the slinky neared the bottom, she heard an annoying sound. Her brother.          __

_"Gaz!__ Lookout!" shouted five-year-old Dib, dashing towards the playstructure, "It's the boogie-man!"   
Whether or not there really was a boogie man Gaz never really paid attention to, for at that moment she saw only one thing; Dib's foot raining doom down upon her poor, poor slinky as he dashed up the stairs. What made the scene possibly worse, though it was hard to get much worse than cold-blooded slinky murder, was upon Dib's arrival at the top, he blinked.  _

_"Aww, no boogie man," he stated simply, looking around.__ It was then he noticed his sister's twitches and spasms of anger.         _

_"Gaz?__ You're kinda scary lookin –"   
Little Gaz twitched and opened both eyes fully.   
  
And that's where the flashback ends, because Gaz didn't need to remember further and the author intended to keep this rating at a G. In one, decisive movement, Gaz was off the couch and out the door.  
  
She was gonna get herself a slinky.   
  
_A/N: HEE that was fun to write. X) Gaz flashbacks, gotta love 'em. Anyways, please review? Pleaaaseee? It's nice to know if anyone's actually reading this. O_o __


	5. NO CUTTING

                Dib meandered down the stairs and blinked twice at the sight of the vacated living room. Funny, Gaz was always there. He raised an eyebrow and looked in the kitchen to find it equally deserted. Where _was _Gaz, anyway? It was strange for his sister to ever leave the house, save for skool or the buying of necessities such as soda. He shrugged; she was quite resilient, and he doubted even if she was off boxing with Tyson she'd get hurt. And so, he opened the fridge, grabbed a soda (mercifully not the last), and walked into his living room. 

                Upon entry into the room he noticed something through the window. There was a large crowd forming down the road, inexplicably. He sighed upon the realization that the crowd just so happened to be forming in Zim's area. Oh well, something to do… while being the only thing stopping Zim from world domination was stressful and had further added to his reputation for insanity, he had to admit it gave him something to do with his time. He finished the last of the soda, placed the empty can on the table, and dashed outside to save the world. Again.  
  
-------  
  
                Gaz grumbled upon discovering that she was not the only one after the marvelous slinky. Zim's commercial had apparently been a hit, for there was a plethora of people all milling around, waiting for, she figured, the answer to their problems. _Hrrmf__, Gaz thought, taking her place at the very tail end of the line, though she kept that rank not for long because more people showed up, _it better be a GOOD slinky or Zim will pay. __

                There was a brief second when Gaz wondered if, perhaps, she shouldn't be doing this – after all, her brother had devoted his life to stopping what she was inevitably supporting by being here. She mentally shrugged. She wasn't really supporting Zim by purchasing his stupid liquid, she just wanted the slinky. Besides, Zim was too _stupid _to conquer Earth, and Dib was too _stupid_ to realize it. 

                And here was her stupid brother now. Running up heroically to come save the day from a threat even stupider than he was. Gaz shook her head and twitched. 

                Dib ran up to the long line of people, staring in awe at the mass crowd formed. He blinked, then narrowed his eyes determinedly and dashed to the front of the line where he saw, not surprisingly, Zim smilingly smugly. That was, until Dib showed up, at which point the alien's artificial eyes narrowed.      

"What do _you _want, Dib-worm?" The foreign creature hissed.  

"Oh, nothing, Zim," Dib replied, eyes narrowed suspiciously, "just to point out that you're hopeless and I _will stop your … diety… thingy."   
To this, Zim laughed. A cruel grin appeared on his facial features. _

"Stop me? How? They won't listen to you."  
Zim was right, and Dib knew it. The boy hardly cared, however.   

"Doesn't matter, Zim," he stated simply, "they never did before and I still – aaarggh! Hey!"   
Dib was cut short by the scarily large woman directly behind him growling and picking him up by his trench coat collar.   

"NO CUTTING IN THE LINE!" She screamed loudly, flinging the rather surprised child out of her way. 

Zim, equally surprised though greatly amused, blinked, and then snickered to himself at the loud, probably painful crash that accompanied Dib's landing.  Several spaces behind the woman, Gaz raised an eyebrow as her brother's figure sailed through the air and landed in a heap. _Serves him right for being so stupid, _she thought idly. She stepped forward as the line lurched, bringing her to slinky-possessing glory. Zim lowered an eyebrow suspiciously at the thought that his rival's little sister was inadvertently aiding his world conquest. Gaz twitched, and opened one eye.    

"I _want _a slinky," she stated rather threateningly, diving into her pockets for some money and slamming it down on Zim's table. The alien blinked. If he'd had any thoughts about denying Gaz her slinky, they were quickly vanished out of fear, along with the fact that she quite obviously didn't care much for her brother and therefore wouldn't be likely to help him. Quickly he got out a vial of the concoction and a slinky. Appeased, Gaz returned her eye to it's perpetual squint, shoved the vial carelessly in her pocket and tested the slinky by changing the height of her hands.   

"Good," she said quite simply, walking away from Zim and the mass line. She cast a glance to the side as she walked and saw Dib slowly prying himself off the sidewalk.              

"Get up," Gaz said, semi-sadistically, "you're looking like the moron you are."  And then she continued on her way home. Dib groaned and rose to his feet, one hand rubbing his rib cage, then shook his head and darted after his scary sister. 


	6. The Chapter Not In Need of a Title

                Gaz shoved the door open with one hand, carelessly letting it swing backwards and into her brother, who yelped slightly before shoving the door out of his way. Dib glared at his sister, already firmly planted on the couch fiddling with her slinky, for not being more sympathetic. _I'm her brother! _He thought plaintively, _she should care if I get thrown into a sidewalk and…stuff. _He sighed, but of course could say none of this to Gaz. If he did, she'd probably just throw a lamp at him and tell him to stop being stupid. 

                Dib decided to head up the stairs to his room, and get a head start on stopping Zim before even more blind members of his species bought that godforsaken liquid. _How am I supposed to prepare against something when I don't know what I'm up against? He groaned and began pacing his room, when he remembered something. Aha! Hadn't Gaz bought the formula in order to get the slinky? He hurried from his room down the stairs.  _

"Gaz? Gaz!"  
His sister, playing her gameslave somehow with one hand and fiddling with the slinky in the other hand, twitched.                                                   

"WHAT, Dib?"                 

"You bought Zim's thingy, didn't you?"   
Gaz twitched. He was wasting her precious, precious time-wasting time.               

"No."    
Dib raised an eyebrow.   

"Then where'd you get that slinky?" He asked, brow still raised.   
Gaz shrugged absently. Couldn't he SEE that she was BUSY? 

"Go AWAY, Dib."  
Dib gulped. Naturally, he knew he was now treading in dangerous waters, having provoked his sister. Nonetheless, he _needed _that formula so he could reverse...uh...whatever it did. It obviously did something horrible, after all, being hatched by Zim. 

"Gaz, the fate of the _world _depends on you giving me that formula!"                 

"I don't believe you," Gaz said, voice eerily quiet, "now go _away._" 

"But Gaz –"  
                Alas, Dib had pushed his vengeful sister too far. With a snarl-like sound, she opened one eye viciously and dove a hand into her pocket, feeling around for something to throw at his very doomed self.   
  
She threw the formula.  
  
                With a surprised cry of glee and a "thanks Gaz!", Dib caught it and bolted back upstairs before Gaz could realize what she'd done. 

----

                Zim couldn't help but grin sadistically to himself as more and more of the despicable humans showed up, unwittingly but willingly handing themselves over to the horrible wrath of Zim. As Tak – horrible, revengeful Tak – had pointed out, humans had so adapted themselves to marketing schemes they wouldn't know world domination if it slapped them in the face, danced like Gir on a bad day and proclaimed "I'M AFTER WORLD DOMINATION!" And it amused him. The foolish earthlings had no idea what they were in store for. 

                As more and more humans showed up and more and more vials and slinkies switched owners, Zim wondered if perhaps this weight thing was rather important to the race. Perhaps, being a slim and trim human was in comparison like being a five-foot-tall Irken. The Almighty Thinnest..? He pondered this briefly, and then decided he didn't really care; it didn't matter if they gained more 'power' in society because of him, what _did matter was that he inevitably gained complete control. _

                He briefly wondered why that large-headed Dib creature hadn't returned, along with his threats of autopsy and sweet victory. _Insolent human, _Zim's internal monologue snarled, _even with such a large head he proves to be quite stupid. True, Dib _was _almost single-handedly – coupled with some technical errors and faults of Zim's own – the only reason Earth had yet to be dominated. True, Dib _was _the most intelligent specimen of his species Zim had yet to see. However, that failed to change the fact that Zim was certain Dib was surprisingly less intelligent than even the stupidest of Irkens. _

_A/N: Yeaaaah… I know, I know, that chapter wasn't funny. Eh, I question that it would even pass for mildly amusing. Anyway, any ideas/suggestions are welcome, as I've used up most of my favorite ideas already. o_o Reviews welcome! Tee, and thanks to SwEeTiNsAnItY for being my most constant reader/reviewer thing. XD _


	7. The Horrible MarySue

_AN: Yay! Kali's cheap way of making progress in this fic! REJOICE! I might/probably will experiment a wee bit with POV's in this chapter so O_0 be warned. _

_                Ding-dong_! The Membrane household's doorbell rang out for the first time in ages, to Gaz's recollection anyway. She thought she heard Dib yell at her to get it, but she ignored him. She was busy; why did _she have to do anything? It never occurred to her that her brother was frantically trying to devise some Earth-saving device to cure those poor, insolent people who had fallen for Zim's ploy. Thus, she thrust her attention back to her gameslave. _

"Gaz, get the door!" Her brother's annoying voice rang out. Gaz twitched. She got the door for no one, except maybe the pizza delivery guy. That was a bad choice of thought; now she wanted pizza. With a grumble she got off the couch and made her way to the kitchen, calling, "get it _yourself, Dib." She opened the fridge and began rummaging around for some tasty food she might actually enjoy, smirking to herself at the sound of Dib dislodging himself from his earth-saving to go answer the door. _

---  
  
                She tapped her foot impatiently, not enjoying the slight wait she was being subjected too. After all, she'd spent her whole _life _waiting and tired of it quite greatly. With another impatient weight shift she drummed her fingers on her crossed arms. Surely he wasn't actually… _doing something? No, no that wasn't it, she decided. Even through her limited experience with him she knew he wasn't the type who had a whole lot of social offers on his plate. _

                With yet another impatient sigh and narrowing of the eyes, she shifted into the position she intended to be in when the door was opened. Shoulders down, standing tall, warm smile, casual yet anxious look…   
  
---  
  
                Dib was slightly annoyed by his sisters refusal to do anything that might possible save him an inconvenience, hurried to the front door. He didn't have the faintest whom it might be, seeing as visitors were so infrequent. He couldn't remember the last time some one had come, besides Zim, who showed up more often than Dib liked. So he opened the door. 

                Whatever he might've expected the person on the other side to look like didn't match at all what he saw. The woman before him was tall – well taller than him at least – but upon a second glance he figured that could also be caused by her large and shiny black boots. What you could see of her legs that weren't cloaked in boot or her rather short purple skirt was covered in fishnet stalking. Above that, she had a black tank top that was, like the rest of her clothing, rather tight. Her slightly longer than shoulder length hair was a dark purple; apparently, that was a normal hair colour around here. Whatever look she was going for, she certainly went for it. _Actually, _Dib thought, after sizing her up, _she looks like a hooker. _

"Uh… can I help you?"   
He was rather surprised as the woman swooned and leant over, embracing him tightly.  

"Er…"   
The woman giggled, and straightened herself up.                      

"You should allow me to explain myself," she said, in some odd foreign accent Dib couldn't quite place, "I suppose I should have right away. I've been working for the CIA for little over twelve years now, I believe. Yes…that's about right. Anyway, in the beginning of the first year, I met your father. My job was in a lull at the time, and we ended up spending a considerable amount of time together. Just when I'd given up on having a riveting life and had settled down with my two darling young children, I got called away on a job assignment I simply could not turn down. It took much longer than anyone anticipated – about nine years, in fact. Anyway, Dib, what I'm trying to say is… I'm your mother."  
  
Dib stared at the woman in front of him in awe.  
  
  
Before lowering an eyebrow and replying. 

"Uh, no, you're not, my mom's –"   
The woman blinked at the response and shrugged, interrupting. She obviously didn't care where 'she' was.   

"Whatever, I tried. Perhaps _this will jog your memory more?"   
  
_AN: GASP! WHO IS THIS STRANGER? … lirl, well you can probably figure it out. If not uh… all will soon be revealed. Haa, you thought I had gone all Mary-sue now didn't you? x) No offense meant to any one story in particular, it'll be explained in the next chapter why you had to be subjected to that monstrosity. Yeah. R/R, silly goose. __


	8. Unorthodox

"_Tak?!"__   
  
Indeed, where his 'mother' had stood, clad in her hooker-esque clothing, was now Tak, in her standard holographic attire.   
  
                Dib blinked, staring at her. He didn't really know what to make of it – at first, he'd liked Tak. She'd actually talked to him (though, now he realized it was only to get information on Zim), and plus she had devoted every waking second to causing Zim some obscure type of pain. As soon as he'd realized that she, too, was merely after turning Earth into one oversized Wonderball as an offering to her leaders, the nice thoughts toward her withered and melted, replaced by resentment and a sense of betrayal. _

                Tak narrowed one eye at Dib as he stared at her. This idea didn't appeal to her in the slightest. After all, she was quickly taking a disliking to him. It was humiliating enough to have your life ruined by possibly the stupidest member of your species to ever exist; it was worse to be foiled by him again. Yet here, in front of her, thanks to _her _decision to be here, was the person who'd made Zim's victory possible. She couldn't force herself to believe that without Dib, Zim still would've trounced on her plans. It just didn't work. Without Dib, Zim wouldn't have been able to chase her _and _stop the pump, and without Dib and his wretched sister Zim wouldn't have gotten a hold of Mimi's memory disk. Now here she was, standing there, waiting to off Dib her services in stopping Zim's latest plan before it spun wildly out of control.   
  
                Gaz, having rummaged out a slice of pizza, walked by and raised an eyebrow at the two curiously.      

"Stop ogling each other and say something," she said simply, slumping down on the couch. Dib broke the silence between the two.      

"Why are you here? How did you survive the crash? What do you want? And why were you dressed like … _that _while claiming to be my mom?"   
Tak sighed, prepared for the long list of questions. Stepping into the house uninvited she began speaking. Dib noticed that she, too, used all the hand-flourishing movements that Zim did. Hrn, must be an Irken thing. 

"As soon as I discovered myself already back within Earth's atmosphere, I waited until a reasonably safe distance to eject. I didn't like where it was headed, after all. It worked. I landed somewhere over in the park," here, she made a directional movement, "along with Mimi. I'll spare you the details, but I found out about Zim's plan. Your race has some unusal obsession with weight, and he's decided to exploit it. I'll be frank with you; I have no technology, no resources, and no way off this planet should I chose to leave until I manage to fix my mangled ship or build another, which wont be any time soon if I have to rely on Earth technology. And I know you've dedicated every waking moment to stop Zim." Tak stopped her little speech and her pacing, and turned to face Dib, trying to gather what he made of it.   He lowered an eyebrow.  

"So what are you saying? I help you defeat Zim, the way I helped Zim defeat you?"   
Tak paused, and nodded. "Essentially, yes." 

"Why should I?"         

"Well, for one, I know how to get into Zim's base. Two, he's probably using an Irken mind-controlling agent you humans won't discover or find an equal to for another hundred years. Plus, if you don't, the planet you've worked so diligently to save will submit itself to complete control."  
Dib sighed. The idea of working once again with some one only saving Earth so they could in turn conquer it themselves didn't appeal to him very much. However, she did have a point. He'd just have to watch her, and not get _too close. A species after universal domination didn't sound like one very trustworthy.  _

"Okay, okay, I'll help you. Or, rather, you help me. Just one question."   
Tak's fake eyebrows raised, and although she didn't grin, Dib took this to be a sign of satisfaction.    

"What?" 

"Why did you claim to be my mom?"   
Tak waved a hand, as if dismissing the question of its point.  

"It's not proper for an Inva…" she broke off, twitching slightly with anger at realizing she still _wasn't an Invader, "...Irken to re-use a disguise if they've been discovered."  
Dib nodded, then lowered an eyebrow.  _

"What about Zim? He's worn the same disguise since he first landed." 

Tak twitched again.  

"Zim hasn't found it necessary to do _anything orthodox since his creation."   
Her mind briefly flashed back to the scene where Zim, the power-crazed Invader, had half-destroyed his own planet in Impending Doom One. She rolled here eyes, which caused unenlightened Dib to stare at her oddly. Breaking the silence, Dib said simply,  _

"Well, Zim'll be surprised."   
Tak burst into a rather disturbing, sadistic grin and began her evil little giggle. Dib joined in, for some reason or another, and soon the two were in a full-out sadist cackle.  

"Shut UP!"   
Gaz's voice rang out from the living room and Tak was hit in the eye by the corner of a projectile pizza box.   
  
_A/N: ..yeah. I'm not sure if Tak was in character, so I apologize if she wasn't. I found it hard to get a good feel for her character based on that one episode. o_o I know, I know, it's not been…funny since about chapter 5. I apologize, I've just used up most of my funny ideas already. I'm gonna run with this plot I've got going now, but if I get better ideas in the future I might do a rewrite. ^_^ Well, re-write from chapter 7. _


	9. INFERIOR Human Manipulation Techniques

                After getting up and rubbing her pizza box stabbed eye, Tak took to pacing again. At last, she stopped, turned on her heel, and stared at him.  

"Okay. We're going to use Zim's own technology against him."   
                Dib blinked. That would be… something. He'd been in Zim's base a maximum of two times, and neither for particularly favoring circumstances. Despite devoting a large amount of his time to breaking into Zim's lab, he'd had a perfect loosing streak. Obviously, he'd love another chance to peek around – while it may be old news to Irkens, it far surpassed any other setup on Earth. However, he knew that getting in wasn't going to be easy.      

"How am I supposed to get into Zim's lab?" He questioned. Tak lowered an eyebrow and shook her head.  

"Oh, no, _you _wouldn't be in Zim's lab at all._ I'm going to use his resources to create an antidote while __you and your sister create a distraction."   
Dib blinked. He wasn't sure he liked this idea. Could he trust Tak to only create the antidote, not use the time as create-another-demonic-scheme-to-kill-earth-and-prove-myself-time? Put quite simply, no, no he couldn't. But what choice did he have?  _

"Okay, fine. Let's go." He turned and headed to the door. Tak made a quiet ahem, which caused him to turn around.  

"Aren't you forgetting something?"   
Dib blinked, and looked around, and began to check his pockets. Tak rolled her eyes dramatically and pointed simply to the living room, where Gaz was actively ignoring them.  

"What, Gaz? You think she's going to help?" He let out a brief laugh at the idea. No, his sister loathed him, there was no way she was taking time out of her Saturday to help him. Tak nodded quite seriously.   

"We need her," she said, "besides, she'd be useful for… eh… physical force."   
Dib stared. Well, she did have a point. With a shrug and an internal wince, he called to his sister.  

"Dib, go _away _or I'll be forced to destroy you," was her blunt reply. Dib blinked and looked at Tak, shrugging. Tak gave him an incredulous look, as if to say _you're scared of your own sister yet you'll challenge an Irken? and so he tried again.                  _

"Gaz, we need your help to save Earth and… stuff."   
Gaz raised an eyebrow, and Dib was pretty sure she did the physically impossible by keeping one eye on the GameSlave and the other on him.  

"Do I _look _like I care?"  

"Gaz, we –"  
Dib was cut short by an impatient sigh from Tak, who stepped boldly into the living room. _Pathetic, _she thought, _even human means of manipulation are inferior to that of Irkens. Doing a swift survey of her 'opponent', Tak noticed Gaz's possessions. Irkens were good at coming up with spur-of-the-moment bargaining tools.Gaz opened one eye again, one eyebrow raised suspiciously.             _

"Don't make me destroy yo—"       

"Help us and you'll get all Zim's left over slinkies."  
Gaz blinked. Casting a sideways glance to her silver slinky, slumped carelessly over a pillow, she blinked. There was a slightly tense silence, before Gaz replied: 

"Okay."   
                Tak grinned to herself, turned on her heel, left the room and headed to the door, but not before whispering "watch carefully – you might learn a thing or too" to Dib as she passed. Dib blinked. Egotism must be an Irken thing, too. Zim certainly had it in excess. He shrugged and waited for Gaz to pass him before shutting the door. He needn't have waited, however, because Gaz slammed it loud enough behind her. Dib winced at the loud bang that accompanied it snapping shut. He was just glad it missed his face, this time.   
  
_A/N: Wow I haven't updated in a long time, so here you go. XD Please review? Pleaaase? I'm a sucker for reviews. X) Again, sorry if Tak's out of character. I have no real idea if she's egotistical or whathaveyou, but I figure that any race after complete universal domination must have a wee bit of an over inflated ego to begin with and it probably runs in the species. Yep. Anyways, R/R. =D I'm gonna start the next chapter right now, so it should be up today or tomorrow. _


	10. Siblings, Who Needs Em?

                And so the trio walked down the street, Tak walking purposefully down the street in a quick stride, Dib close behind, and Gaz lagging somewhere in the back. Dib was attempting to stay rather close to Tak, because he was currently quite afraid of Gaz, who had vowed revenge for him accidentally stepping on her heel when he'd ran to catch up to them.  He cast a glance over his shoulder, and saw his scary sibling quirk a brow threateningly. He gulped, and attempted to stir up a conversation. An alien after world conquest and vengeance, the local socially unacceptable freak and a video game junkie didn't have a whole lot in common to talk about.  

"So how are Gaz and I supposed to distract him, exactly?"   
Tak shrugged, not bothering to slow her pace nor look back at him.  

"I don't know. It should be quite simple. For all I care, make an honest effort to sneak into his base. He'll only catch you, and it'll have the desired affect anyway."   
Dib stared. Was that an insult? He wasn't sure, but decided to take it as one.  

"I _could _get in, if I wanted to."   
Tak snorted, and actually turned around.                                                                                                                            
"Do you really think so? You've tried _how _many times?"  
Dib decided not to answer that. With a flick of her hand she signaled the two siblings to follow her down an alley.      

"Where're we going?" Dib's voice queried. Tak's eye twitched. She disliked having to explain everything. No matter, once she got Zim out of the way and moved on to the rest of the planet… she stopped walking and broke into evil giggles, causing Dib to squint one eye at her and Gaz to open one.   

"Uh.. Tak?"  
Tak coughed once.  

"Er…yes," she said, quickly avoiding the direction the conversation was headed in, "this way. It'll take us behind Zim's house, which'll be useful because he can't see me." _Heh_, well, that is to say, not yet. __

Dib looked at his sister, who stared unresponsively, and shrugged.   
                After a few minutes of trudging, they arrived in what must be Zim's backyard. A few garden gnomes were placed aimlessly there, but in a flash Tak had them disabled. Dib blinked. He decided that he never, ever, wanted Tak to have resources necessary to take over the Earth. Because she most likely would. Kicking the garden gnome corpses over into a corner, she brushed her hands off.  

"Alright, we'll go in through Zim's back door."  

"Zim has a back door?"  
In answer to his question, four metallic spider legs extended from Tak's pack (_AN: I dunno what to call it o_0), _which looked quite odd seeing as she was still in her holographic disguise. They attached themselves to a section of the wall, and pulled. A large rectangle of wall broke off, and her arachnid legs tossed it aside with the gnomes. 

"He does now."   
Dib blinked and stared, jaw dropping. He'd seen Zim do things like that before, but it still was awesomely cool. Gaz opened one eye.  Gaz spoke for the first time in a while.                          

"Cool," she said, honest interest in her voice.   
Tak shrugged. _Easily impressed, _she noted. After all, the Empire has had this technology for what, a few centuries now? She ignored it.  

"Go in first, get him and his legions distracted. I'll get into his lab and get the antidote."  
Dib sighed. He'd really hoped he'd get to see Zim's lab and all it's fascinating foreign equipment. Alas, t'was not to be.   

"Okay. C'mon, Ga—"  
He stopped short, seeing that his sister was already stepping through the smoking hole in Zim's wall and into the house. He followed.  

"This is pretty boring, Dib," she hissed as he joined her, "so Zim better have a lot of slinkies left or I'll be  forced to hate you."   
                Dib was apparently feeling blatant, because he responded with 'don't you already?', to which Gaz froze and raised a fist threateningly. Her brother gulped and decided that further sibling 'love' wasn't top in his list of priorities, and so stepped further into the house. Gaz followed suite, glaring daggers at her brother's turned back. From outside on the lawn, Tak lowered an eyebrow. 

_Siblings.__ Who needs them? Certainly, there's enough rivalry in the universe already.   
  
AN: Yay! TWO CHAPTERS IN A DAY! *bow* Anyways, I should finish this pretty quick now. I know mostly how it's gonna go down. Sorry I've had virtually no Zim in here since the first two chapters. He's my favorite, two, I just haven't been able to tie him in. There's only so much you can write about some one selling diet formulas to hundreds of pitiful stink-beasts. XD R/R! _


	11. FilthEncrusted Baboons

                Gaz stared around inside Zim's supposedly highly advanced base, which looked like a completely normal house. Well, not exactly normal… but you get the point. _THIS, _she thought incredously, _is what Dib spends all his time trying to break into? What's he gonna achieve? Proof that aliens have television? She bitterly noted how stupid her brother was, and stared. Zim wasn't even inside.  _

"Go keep him busy," came a voice from behind them.

                 Who was she, again? Dib's stupid girlfriend or something. Gaz snorted. No, Dib didn't have _friends, let alone a girlfriend. What was her name, anyways? Pin? Tack? Something like that. Gaz and Dib turned in time to see Tak stare around, before staring at the toilet. With an audible groan, she closed her eyes and swallowed her dignity. Gaz snorted and turned around, grabbing Dib's collar and dragging him with her.  _

"Come on," she growled, "the sooner we distract Zim the sooner we get my slinky and the sooner we leave."   
                Dib made an odd choking noise in response, and Gaz looked over her shoulder, only semi-surprised to see her grip on his trench coat was a bit to tight. With a quirk of her eyebrow she released him, and he promptly went to rubbing his throat. As much as he annoyed her, she couldn't honestly say she wished death upon him. Besides, then she'd have to heat up her _own _leftovers.   
                Grumbling, Gaz stared out the window and discovered Zim was, in fact, still outside and still selling. She folded her arms, glaring at her brother slightly.  

"Go… distract him or something," she ordered. Dib looked at her.  

"Aren't you coming?"              

"Do I ever help you?" Gaz questioned. Her brother sighed.  

"What should I say?"   
Gaz raised an eyebrow. "Do I _look _like I care?"   
With that she opened the door labeled "Men's room", shoved her brother through it, stepped through the threshold, and slammed it behind her.   
                Zim, who had been in the process of handing over another slinky, jumped slightly and turned around. The enemies' eyes locked, and they glared at each other for a second, before acknowledging each other with the cold mix of resentment and – much to both of their chagrin – respect they always used around each other.  Despite the fact they were reluctant to admit it, even to themselves, they both knew their opponent was a worthy challenger – otherwise, one of them would have won.  
 "Dib-human."  

"Zim."   
It took Zim a second to realize Dib and his sister had come from inside his base. When he did realize, he leapt up.  

"Insolent worm-larvae! You _dare infiltrate the might Zim's ba--… perfectly NORMAL house?" _

"Yes. Yes I do. Give up, Zim! I'm here to uh… stop you and…stuff."   
Gaz mentally slapped her brother. Christ, he couldn't even act normal for _him. Zim squinted one eye at Dib, before laughing sharply.  _

"Fool! You see, Dib, your species has played rather blindly into my plans, and I do believe they've left you a little outnumbered."   
With a quick encompassing motion, Zim pointed to the hundreds of now scarily thin women standing by, an absent look dancing in their eyes. Dib stared.                  

"That's right, incompetent Dib-worm," Zim hissed, "quiver in _fear _at the might of my army!"  
Gaz and her brother stared at the glassy-eyed women compiled in Zim's lawn. One was very interested in catching a fly that repeatedly landed on her nose. Another one scratched her head, looking confused, and yet another fell over with simply no reason at all.  

"That's really…um… not intimidating." Dib pointed out. "I mean, yeah, there are a lot of them, but do they even know what's going on?" 

Zim glared daggers at his foe.   

"Do not question the mighty wrath of Zim and his army of stink-beasts!" Zim turned to his 'army'. "Subordinate filth-encrusted baboons! Dispose of the intruders!"  
Much to the Membrane children's surprise, the clan of women and two or three men blinked, and trained their gaze on them. In stiff, zombie-like goosesteps the rag-tag army approached the two. Dib hardly had time to gulp before being grabbed by the neck and dragged backwards into the house by his sister, who apparently thought quicker than he did when faced with anorexic-like thin women in a hypnosis like state.   
  
_AN: Yay! I'm actually updating this thing now! Sorry if it slows down, I've had a lot of time off school to do this but now schools' back to normal so I'll be busier. R/R, please? Preeeetty please? _


	12. In Which Tak Discovers the Stupidifying ...

                Tak looked around the vast equipment, relishing in the sight of technology familiar to her. She took a step forward, eyes darting around. Her hologram of a disguise flickered and faded, leaving her natural Irken form. _It's only a hologram, but Tallest, it looks bad, _she thought. It irked (_AHA! LAUGH AT MY IRONY!) her to have to cover up her normal appearance with something so hideous, particularly because she was, as far as Irkens are concerned, rather attractive. But no matter. Business was business, and if she wanted this planet she was going to have to suffer a little bit. _

                She took another step and suddenly found herself being restrained by two large metallic appendages that sprouted from the walls. An annoying computer voice chanted "intruder alert" over and over. Tak grit her teeth in annoyance.  

"Computer! Release me!" She demanded sharply. Frankly, she didn't like where this was going. Why had she not planned for this? She _knew _how advanced the security systems would be. _Note to self: never underestimate Irken technology. _ 

"But… you're not Zim," the computer replied. It sounded… submissive. Which struck Tak as odd.   

"Eh…I'm Irken, so does it really matter?" _Like that'll work. _  
                Oddly enough, it did. With a minor 'well… I guess not', the metal arms retracted and Tak was free. She broke into a grin.  

"Computer! You recall designing a weight-loss product earlier, correct?"   
The computer made some sort of noise Tak interpreted as a sniffle.  

"The doctor said my weight was fine as long as I ate a balanced diet."   
Tak stared. Had Zim's stupidity rubbed off on his machinery, too?  

"I don't have _time_ for this," she snapped. The computer 'sniffled' again.   

"You don't have to be mean about it." 

Tak slapped her green forehead and rubbed what would be the bridge of her nose, had she had a nose.  

"I refuse to argue with _artificial intelligence. _Do you recall it or not?"    
There was a pause. 

"Uhhhh… yeah… I think. Wait… no… yeah. Yeah, I do!"   
_Where had the engineers gone *wrong*? _ 

"Good. I want you to devise a way to reverse it."   
The computer paused. Tak narrowed her eyes.                  

"Processing…"   
Tak emitted a sigh of relief. _How is it Zim has managed to stupidify his computer? Wait, is stupidify a word? Oh, Tallest, now I'M being stupidified... ARGGGGH. _Tak clutched the side of her head and shook it to clear the annoying thoughts from her mind. There was a silence, before the computer stated:         

"My mom says I'm cool."   
Tak raised a would-be eyebrow. For one thing, Irkens didn't _have _mothers, not in the sense humans had mothers anyway, let alone their machinery. She sighed and decided against replying. It could take her a minute to completely unstupidify… _No! NOT AGAIN!  _Tak's antennae twitched in annoyance and she clutched the side of her head again. There was an easy-bake-oven-worthy _ding! _and a vial popped up. 

"Antidote complete," the computer told her. Tak grinned devilishly to herself.  

"Mass produce the antidote," she ordered sharply, "and… and put it in a spray-bottle dispenser."   
If the computer found the request odd, it said nothing other than "Complying…" Besides, working with Zim, it had definitely seen odder.   
  
_AN: Okay, the end of this was a bit rushed, I gotta go to bed in uh six minutes and I wanted to get it out for the.. one person who actually reads this. -.O Ohwell, better than no one! Questions? Commets? Suggestions? ANYTHING? R/R! PLEASE? I feed off reviews. Yes. _


	13. Buy One Get One Free

  
                 "Thanks, Gaz!" Dib huffed as he pressed himself against the door, hoping he weighed enough to keep the stick-like army of Zim's at bay. Gaz raised an eyebrow and shrugged unresponsively. Dib turned slightly to see Zim and his legions standing behind his sister.  With a quick gasp of surprise he relinquished his pressure on the door and stood up straight.  

                "What the -?"  

                "Incoherent Dib-worm! You forget my back door?"  
                Dib lowered an eyebrow curiously.  

                "You don't have a back—" 

                "Silence! Do not question the mighty statements of Zim!"   
                Dib rolled his eyes at the egotism that was his foe, and then once again realized the herd moving towards him at a painfully slow pace. He gulped and took a few steps back, earning an eye roll and "wuss" from Gaz. One of Zim's minions tripped in her attempt to walk and landed flat on her face, which did nothing to stop those behind her from proceeding in their original set path. It could be said that being controlled by Zim makes already stupid worm babies even stupider. Zim began cackling maniacally.  

                "Yes, Dib! Prepare to meet your doom! Doom at the hands of thin dirt worms!"   
                The group lurched forward again, now only a few steps from the two children, one of whom raised an eyebrow, pondering the communal IQ of those present.  Gaz still found it hard to be frightened.  With one of the women approaching her and reaching to grab her, Gaz ducked and formed a fist.   
                "Wouldn't do that if I were you," she advised. 

                The woman continued advancing. Gaz raised an eyebrow simply, taking a step backwards and rolling up her sleeves. She bumped into her brother, who had taken a step back whilst trying to get away from the group. Gaz had just raised her fist, and Dib had just gulped and attempted to look defiant when…  
  
_WOOSH! _  
  
                The crowd was thrown into the wall, accompanied by a stream of a pale green-y liquid. Zim turned quickly on a heel, face set to a glare before he even saw the culprit. When he did, however, the glare faltered and was replaced by simple confusion.  

                "Tak?"  
                Indeed it was. While the Membrane children dug their way out of the pile of people – which was, by the way, quite easy as they all weighed about 80 pounds – Tak grinned superiorly, unstrapping the large cylinder of antidote that had been strapped to her back. A look of sadistic amusement passed over her face, which was covered by her holographic disguise.   
                "Yes, Zim. Surprise, surprise," she taunted to her rival, who just stared at her, dumbfounded.   
                "But you were floating helplessly in…" he blinked as he remembered the masses of humans in his living room, "…the pool! Yes!"   
                Tak raised an eyebrow and let out a curt laugh. "Yes, that's what I _wanted _you to think."   

                "No one fools the mighty Zim!"   
                "_Mighty Zim," Tak repeated, tone mocking and exasperated, "Tallest, Zim, don't you realize—"  
                She cut short when she noticed once again the gaggle of humans in Zim's 'house'. She gritted her teeth. No, they had to leave. Oh, how sure urged to rush over, knock off Zim's meek disguise, and wring his thin little neck, and drop-kick his short little self out the nearest window. Alas, she could not, for that would most likely raise the attention of those present. Once she got rid of them, however, her revenge – __No! Not revenge! – could go on uninterrupted.  
                And that's when she got the idea. Looking at all the dazed, confused, thin and terribly hungry women, she drew in a deep breath and took a few stiff strides to the center of the room. In a flash, the room would be occupied only by Dib, Gaz, and the two warring Irkens.   
                Tak took a breath, gulped, and squinted her eyes, knowing the crowd would storm out the door, causing somewhat of a large breeze, tossing her navy hair askew.   
  
                "Ahem, may I have your attention, please. There is a buy-one-get-one-free sale currently in affect at McMe…"  
  
The sentence did not need to be finished to have the desired affect.  
  
_A/N: Yay! I finally updated! BE PROUD. And review. Pleeeaseee review? =D Yeah. This is gonna end soon, probably in the next two or so chapters. Aahhyep. I found this chapter hard to write, though I can't say for sure why. Hopefully the next one wont TAKE SO LONG. __


	14. One TwoPerson Rant

  
                "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," breath, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOhwell."  
                Zim had sank to his knees, hands extended into the air dramatically, screaming out to the heavens, before he abruptly shrugged, stood up, and brushed himself off. Tak and Dib stared blankly, and Gaz raised an eyebrow. It would appear Zim was only minimally phased that his arch rivals had broke into his base, used his own equipment against him, foiled his latest plot, weren't any worse for the wear due to the experience, and were still in his living room. He was either thick, oblivious, or some what of a happy-go-lucky character. Probably a bit of all three.  

                There was an awkward silence, and Tak and Dib exchanged a glance. Neither were entirely sure who should take over the 'ha-HA!-I-beat-you-again-and-your-reign-of-terror-is-delayed-therefor-I-am-superior' speech. They both made a silent decision, and began spurting out words at the same time, talking fast and almost incoherently.   
                "HA, Zim! Defeated again by—"  
                "--such a poor excuse for an _Irken_, honestly, wait till I—"  
                "—get you on a autopsy table! They—"  
                "—lied! _Lies, Zim! You—"  
                "—will never get Earth, not as long as I—"  
                "—devote every __waking moment to—"  
                "—stopping you! Exposing you to the—"  
                "—HAVOC I shall wreak upon your worthless, mirage of an—"  
                "—existance! They'll believe me then, once I have proof that—"  
                "—you __are painfully stupid. You won't succeed, Zim, not so long as—"  
                "I'm here," they both finished, tone and wording synchronized so perfectly it caused the two of them to jump and cast a sideways glance at each other. Zim, however, was unimpressed. Lowering an eyebrow, he flicked a hand impatiently.   
                "Yes, yes, your speech is horrible; I am filled with remorse and other such things, blah blah. But now, insolent creatures of insolence, prepare to meet your doom." He paused, mouth twitching into somewhat of a smile, before calling out 'computer!'.  
                "Whaaa?" The computer's voice rang out through the house, sounding as if Zim had woken it from some sort of electronic sleep.   
                "Dispose of the intruders!"   
                Large, metallic arms sprouted magically from the sides of the house, grabbing hold of Gaz, Tak and Dib. Tak blinked and shook her head, struggling against the restraints.   
                "No! Computer! Get rid of Zim! He's…eh…" she paused, trying to think of a reason, "..disloyal to the Tallest!" _Yeah, that would be the day. Poor idiotic fool would die for them. _  
                Zim was appalled to find another metallic arm spring from the wall and grab __him, too.   
                "INSOLENT COMPUTER! SHE LIES! RELEASE ME, DISPOSE OF THEM!"  
                "NO! HE IS BRAINWASHING YOUR NONEXISTANT BRAIN! GET RID OF HIM!"              
                "THE GIRL LIES! RELEASE ME!"_

                "NO," Tak screeched, voice both determined and desperate, "RELEASE _ME!"  
                The computer was, like any person would be in it's situation, now thoroughly confused. It didn't know who to believe – the new Irken, or Zim? Zim was a meanie-head, but the computer had been tailored to reply to him. With a whimper of confusion, it simply released all of those in its grasp.   
                "No, Computer, you weren't supposed to release Zim! Restrain him again before he –"          
                Right about then, Zim snapped. His eye twitched and he strode forward, glaring at Tak fiercely. She invades his base, threatens to steal his mission, and now is messing with his security system? Tallest, no!   
                "SIIIIILENCE, JEALOUS-OF-ZIM INVADER WANNABE!"   
                Tak stopped in mid-sentence, mouth gaping open, and blinked. Zim grabbed his last remaining bottle of Get Thin Now and, without thinking, poured out the contents at Tak. Her conveniently ajar jaw allowed much of the potion to slip into her mouth, and her natural reaction to take over, causing her to swallow it. She blinked rapidly in surprise and took a step back. _

_A/N: Yay! I updated! I am proud. I could've continued this, but I decided to save it for another chapter. Yeah, I know they're pretty short. So sue me. =D R/R, please? Lirl, I have ONE reviewer.  *cackles* YAY for Cheryl. Eehehhe, you don't mind if I call you that do you? O_0 Sorry if you do. o_o _


	15. The notso GLORIOUS ENDING!

  
                Tak blinked, coughed once, and then narrowed an eye at Zim. Was that it? She snorted – quite a feat for some one with no nose.   
                "That was horrible, Zim," she droned sarcastically, eyes narrowed, "I'm in terrible pain and I.."  
                She trailed off, coughing again, only more violently this time. The glare fell from her face and was replaced with a look of slight concern, as she clutched her would-be stomach. Zim smirked.   
                "Intestines…burning…" she gasped between breaths, to no one in particular, before coughing wildly again.   
                The formula – which had been devised for human consumption – had unknown affects on an Irken. Apparently, they were rather derogatory, as Tak was stumbling backwards, clutching her stomach and coughing. This amused Zim, who pointed a sharp digit at her and laughed. 

                "Yes! Write in pain at the might of Zim! I laugh at your pain! Watch me!" Here, he burst into an evil cackle.  
                Tak narrowed her eyes, in too much obscure pain to say anything, and lashed her hands out. Grabbing hold of the nearly-empty spray bottle of antidote, she pointed it at Zim's laughing figure and sprayed. Much the same as had happened to Tak, Zim coughed and automatically swallowed the substance.   
                "AHAHAA… IT BURRRRNS! MY SQUEEDLY SPOOCH BUUUURNS!" Zim cried, flailing around the room in sheer panic. Tak would have grinned, had she not been coughing violently. So, the two flailed around, screaming one thing or another, squeedly spooches in immense pain.   
                That was about the time a high pitched squeal came from somewhere in the house as Gir rocketed into view. He cheerfully greeted big head boy and scary lady with a wave, eyes turning into thin triangles due to his inexplicable euphoria. It was then the robot noticed that his master and another lady, strangely familiar, were coughing and screaming. Gir grinned widely and launched himself at Zim, who at the time just so happened to be facing Tak.  
                "KISSY KISSY!" He screeched, clinging to the back of his master's head.   
                Zim's balance was temporarily thrown off by the sudden weight propelled into the back of his head, and lurched forward face-first into Tak. She flailed as suddenly her rival's face was pressed into hers, and in the process lost her balance. In one big ball of stuff, the three tumbled comically across the floor – and into a wall. There was a sickening thud, which made Dib wince and Gaz raise an eyebrow. Gir seemed utterly unaffected, and rather as if he had enjoyed it. He jumped up cheerfully.  
                "I wanna do it agaaaain!" He quipped, eyes returning to triangular state, "awww, master and his girlfriend are sleeping."   
                While they weren't sleeping, and they certainly weren't love interests, Tak and Zim were, in fact, huddled motionlessly on the ground. For a brief second Dib's overactive imagination thought they were dead, but upon taking a step closer he noticed they were merely knocked out. He snickered at the heap they were in. Oh, how amusing it would be to see Tak's face when she regained consciousness and found her mortal nemesis draped over her.   
                Dib was jolted backwards as Zim's tiny little robot suddenly wrapped his arms around his middle.   
                "Hi, Big Head Boy!" Gir greeted again.   
                Dib blinked and awkwardly patted the robot.    
                "Er… hello Gir."   
                Gaz, who had been silent for a long time, finally spoke up.   
                "Hey, you, crazy robot thing," she said, eyebrow quirked, "Where's Zim keep his slinkies?"  
                Gir clapped his hands playfully, then strode over and took Gaz's hand.     
                "Master got a lot of slinkies," Gir explained, leading Gaz somewhere, "they's Piggy's friends!"  
                From out of nowhere, Gir pulled out Piggy and shoved him in Gaz's face. Dib watched as his sister raised an eyebrow and shoved the pig from her face. Gir was still talking animatedly, droning on about something Dib was sure his sister didn't care about. A small smile formed on Dib's face. For such a work-devoted race, the Irkens certainly created the strangest robots.   
                He returned his attention to the heaped over aliens. _It would be so easy_, he thought, _so easy to just take them both,  right now, back home, show Dad, become famous… so easy. _And yet he couldn't, he realized with a sigh. Just couldn't. Somehow, it just wouldn't be right to put an end to it. Not this way. Not when they were so defenseless. He could only visualize one ending, anyway. He would leave with Gaz and her slinkies, go home, they would wake up, elude his grasp once more, and he would have nothing to show for it but the knowledge that he saved the world yet again and that no one knew or cared. It wasn't a great reality, but it was the only one, and he dealt with what he got. And so, when Gaz came back from wherever Gir had taken her with a huge box and announced "I'm going, now, Dib," he simply followed.  
                

                It was a decision he knew he'd regret. He knew that, next week, next month, maybe even next year, when he was fed up with skool, with his family, with the constant struggles with Zim, he'd wish he hadn't done it. He'd he hadn't shown mercy and let them go this one time. And yet even though he knew he'd regret it later on, for now it contented him just fine. He'd saved Earth again, could anticipate more exciting adventures in the near future, his sister wasn't mad at him, and he'd just silently proved he had a heart, despite the fact no one else realized it_. Life was good,_ he decided, _even if just for a moment.   
  
_**The End**  
  
_A/N: Yay! It's over! o_o I may rewrite, should everyone hate it, but for now, consider it finished. I had so many ideas floating around but it was hard to get them down on.. er.. paper. I enjoyed writing this, and I'll probably write more in the future, should I get ideas. Especially if I get lost of pretty reviews. Heeeee. R/R!    
  
Review replies:   
Cheryl:  Whee! Thank you SO much for reviewing almost every chapter! XD For a long time you were the only one, and it was motivation enough to know at least one person was reading it. Thank you! Hope you liked the ending.   
Invader Squee: XD I doubt it exists, but hey! Maybe it'll put you through to Physcic Cleo..?  
Kame: Well, I hope you checked back, then. =D  
Spaz: OKAY! Speaking of which, update your fic. NOW.  
Lireal: XD Thanks.   
MajorBrandon: *bow* I feel special._

_Tak: XDDDD WHOO! I briefly considered that some one on the plan might be offended...then I decided I didn't care. X)   
Mitochondriac: YAY! I feel special! I think. XD I'm glad they're in character, er.. relatively, as you put it. I struggled some times with the characterizations, so I apologize if they're not always accurate. Glad you liked Dib and Tak's little rant. X) As far as spelling goes – whoops! Most of it is probably stupid typos. I know I messed up "to/too/twos" a __LOT__, and that annoys me so much. I hate when people misuse homonyms, and then I go and do it myself. I was just too lazy to edit it and reupload because of it. And about fiercened not being a word… again, whoops. XD Hope you like the ending as much as you liked the rest of it. _


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